Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
