i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
