Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
