They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
