You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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