I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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