i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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