Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize