Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
