Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You're a waste of cheezeits
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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