i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
