I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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