Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
