My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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