i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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