What did we do last night that was yellow?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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