I haven't been this sober since birth.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
