Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
