Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My balls are so social today.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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