Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
