I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
