As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
