So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
