no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
