eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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