She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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