I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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