Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
