dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
