Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
