why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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