I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
