In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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