he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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