I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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