Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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