Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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