a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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