when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
