I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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