Sry I called you an 8
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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