if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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