isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
