Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
