please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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