the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize