We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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