please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
