when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
