at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize