Swine flu. Run for my life!
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
