i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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