I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
