explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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