I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he was CRYING into my vagina
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
