from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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