i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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