After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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