shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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