why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
