if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
