I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
