My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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