my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Buhtt sex?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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